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| It's already been a year since May 2014? |
Emory's Class of 2015 graduated last week. That means that it's already been a full year since I graduated. Where did the time go?
Back in March, I blogged about what a crazy ten months it had been since I graduated, and how uncertainty had taken over my life. At that point in time, I had no clue what I was doing with my life. It's crazy to think about how true that was.
Since my last blog post, however, things have (finally) become clearer. I decided that this fall I'll be moving to Nashville and attending Vanderbilt University, pursuing my Master's in Higher Education Administration. While the decision seems straight-forward and simple at the moment, it wasn't always this way, not even a mere few weeks ago when I made this decision.
Theoretically, my plan to go to grad school, which I initally devised in the fall, had gone according to script. Quit job in Seattle. Go on a road trip and move back to ATL. Apply to grad schools. Keep the boat afloat until the summer/fall. Go to grad school. In that sense, I had done everything I wanted to since I quit my job way back when. Despite the fact that I knew the real world, relative to college, was a bit of adjustment, I was unsure if graduate school is what truly I wanted at that time.
But then, a few months after I moved back to Atlanta, when I finally started to get settled in, things got even more difficult as good unexpected things started to happen. I found a great room to sublet and call home. I quickly (re)integrated myself into the Atlanta community as I comfortably joined various local ultimate leagues, and even went on a road trip to play indoor ultimate in Pittsburgh* with a bunch of people I had just met. I tried out for the AUDL's Atlanta Hustle, the first ever professional ultimate team in Atlanta, and made the practice squad. I worked my way onto a rostered spot, and the next thing you know there's a poster for me in the stands, and I'm playing in the craziest ultimate game ever.
*...which is an 11 hour drive from Atlanta. what was I thinking?
Crazy Finish. Start @ 2:52
My comfort here in Atlanta--based largely on my improved social life and my revived ultimate frisbee career--was great enough that I seriously thought about bailing on my summer and graduate school plans simply so I could stay in town. Unlike in Seattle, here in Atlanta I had things to be happy about, things to look forward to, things to work towards.
I had a decision to make: Give up all the comfort I gained upon returning to Atlanta and go to Vanderbilt to further my professional career, OR stay put in Atlanta and use this momentum, which seemed to get stronger each day I stayed in Atlanta, to build and develop what I had here.
Part of me had wished that I never gotten into Vanderbilt, or any other graduate school. It would have been much easier if I only had the option to stay in Atlanta, so I could continue to develop my ultimate career and friendships here, or if I had not enjoyed my return to Atlanta, so going to Vanderbilt was an easy option.
Going to Vanderbilt felt like the logical choice, but I just couldn't shake the thought of leaving Atlanta again. What if Nashville is just like Seattle and I'm still too weak to make it on my own in a brand new city, as I so delicately described last fall? What if school sucks and I hate it? Would going to Vandy be sacrificing my best chance to advance my ultimate career and prevent me from further developing the relationships I've built here, the two things that have most kept me afloat during this challenging year?
It took me months to realize, but in the end, as comfortable as I am back home in Atlanta, and as nicely as my ultimate career and social life are progressing here, it is not enough to keep me from going to Vanderbilt to pursue a greater education and a new life. My realization was summed up whenever I was asked this question: "What do you do?"
Unfortunately, "I'm a professional ultimate player" isn't a legitimate answer. I couldn't secure a full-time job, so I had been working two part time jobs doing menial tasks, counting down the hours, primarily to pay rent. And I played ultimate on the side, as a(n awesome) third part-time job, if you can call it that.* So basically, aside from ultimate, I don't really do anything. Nothing that uses my skills and talents, nothing that benefits society. Ultimate is awesome, but it's unfortunately, by itself, not something I** can build my life around. And once I realized this, going to Vanderbilt was the right choice.
*I'm going to call it that. So when I write my autobiography twenty years from now I can say that I worked three part-time jobs.
** This isn't to say that building a life around ultimate is impossible. I know at least a few people who have made ultimate a top priority and succeed in doing so. It's just something I myself cannot do at this time.
When I look back in (a few weeks') retrospect, I definitely learned a few things about making a difficult decision, particularly after what has been a challenging year.
Often times, especially during times of hardship, people fear making difficult decisions. It is important to realize that the opportunity to make a tough decision in itself, although stressful, is a blessing; it means you actually have a say in choosing the best of multiple options, which is better than having no options to choose from. If we didn't have to make tough decisions, life would be pretty boring, arguably pointless. Once you're truly ready to make the decision--and only you will know when that is--make it. And don't look back.
It is also important to not let past experiences, especially negative ones, dictate who you are and the decisions you make. You have to overcome those demons, saddle up, and move forward. I was so worried that moving to Nashville would end up like moving to Seattle did that I subconsciously refused to acknowledge the positives and potential of Nashville, and the fact that the situation I'm putting myself in in Nashville is much more secure and potentially rewarding.
It was only recently that I was able to truly embrace a more optimistic perspective of going to graduate school at Vandy. What if I love school, learning, my classmates, and my new Nashville community? What if moving to Nashville actually enhances my ultimate career? After all, there's a professional team there too, and I even have an extra year of USA Ultimate college eligibility.* What if I (gasp) actually am better fit for Nashville than my beloved Atlanta?
*Thank you (incompetency of ) 2010-2011 Emory Juice. Something I never thought I'd say in my life.
Sometimes you try something, and it doesn't work out. Sometimes the result was in your control, sometimes it wasn't. Such is life. And you need to accept it.
But that doesn't mean you can't try again, or that it won't work out the next time too. You do your research, make some adjustments, and if it makes sense, you try again to the best of your abilities. That's all you can ask out of yourself. Just because Seattle fell flat doesn't mean Nashville will too.
See you in Nashville.
-JTF
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