Uncertainty.

It's been a crazy ten months since I first left Atlanta, and a crazy four months since I've returned. Returning to Atlanta was a great decision, perhaps one of the best decisions I've ever made in my life. I want to thank every family member, friend, teammate, stranger, and everyone else who has supported me and given me the chance to grow, for it is you all who give me the strength and motivation needed to continue the process of becoming the best person I can possibly be. Thank you.

-JTF

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I walked around in my black cap and gown on a scorching hot sunny May Atlanta day, smiling for pictures, holding my diploma, and giving hugs to least a hundred people. While I didn't show it on the outside, deep down, that supposedly celebrated achievement--May 12, 2014--was overshadowed by the uncertainty that came with it.  

And thus began the craziest ten months (and counting) of my life, filled with questions and uncertainty. It's June and still no job yet? Take the first reasonable job in a cool city... Seattle here I come. It's September, and my job sucks so hard I'd rather be shamelessly unemployed. What now? Quit my job. It's October. I'm in a new city, with no job, virtually no friends, post-college depression is in full effect, and now it's starting to rain everyday. Admit weakness. It's November. Where to go, and how to get there? Epic solo cross-country road trip back to the place most closely resembling home, atl. It's December, apply to graduate school? Sure, why not. It's January. Professional ultimate frisbee has reached Atlanta. Might as well go to tryouts and see what happens. It's February, I'm running out of money. Do I take a part-time job or two that I know I'm overqualified for, relatively meaningless jobs that I could have easily performed without an Emory degree? I don't really have a choice, rent's not gonna pay itself.

I asked myself basic questions about things that I had taken for granted pretty much my entire life: What city will I be in? Where will I be next week, next month, next year? Will I be sleeping in a bed, in a room I can call my own? Will I have a job? Will I be living with somebody else? Will I have any friends? Who are they?

Every single week brought an important change to my life story--a pleasant surprise, an unexpected downfall, or an important decision to be made. This unpredictable, somewhat exhilarating lifestyle was a stark change from my four years at college where things were basically the same and all I had to do was stay the course. 

While it is debatable on whether or not my recent roller coaster lifestyle should be viewed primarily as exciting or stressful, at least my life hasn't been boring or routine. If someone were to ask me "what have you been up to since graduation last May?" a true and full response--the places I've been, the people I've met, the surprises I've had, the struggles I encountered, the lessons I've learned--could take hours. Conversely, I know numerous people who would respond: "I graduated in May and now I work for company X in city Y."

I has been ten months since I graduated and left Atlanta and four months since I returned, and only now have I finally settled into some sort of daily routine. I get up in the morning, work two mindless part time jobs from 10-6, work out a few times a week, and play both competitive and casual ultimate on the weekends. It's not an ideal life, and certainly not a life I had expected myself living, but things have definitely been worse.

While it's nice to have some semblance of structure in my daily schedule, so much remains unanswered. I still do not know where I'll be or what I'll be doing in July, or where I'll be or what I'll be doing in the fall. At any moment, as it has been for the past ten months, I could receive a single phone call, a single email, a single text, that could potentially change the direction of my life over the next few days, months, or years.

This prolonged period of uncertainty, one where it seems as if every decision I make could legitimately change the course of my life, has forced me to really think about what I desire and who I really am.

What do I want? Happiness, obviously. But what is it that truly makes me happy, what is it that I want and need to enjoy that happiness? Financial stability? A career that I can take pride in? A normal work schedule where I can simply play ultimate on weekends? To be able to work towards something I'm passionate about? To help others and feel like I'm contributing to society? The comfort of a good friend? A sense of community? To simply feel wanted, appreciated, needed? 

Not everyone is in this uncertain situation where the answers to these questions are so unclear. All the power to you. If you happen to be in a routine and stable life situation, cherish it and don't take it for granted. There's definitely a sense of security knowing what you'll be doing and where you'll be for the foreseeable future. Not everyone has that luxury.

But perhaps you're in a similar situation to mine, one filled with uncertainty and decisions that force you to search for answers to fundamental questions that will ultimately define you. Cherish it and don't take it for granted. It's an exciting life, and you never know the next time life will be so full of surprises and twists and turns again.

In the end, regardless of how certain your current situation is, all you can do is stay positive, try your best, and roll with the punches. You have to trust the process and believe that everything that happens is part of a greater plan. Everything works out the way it's supposed to. It always does.

-JTF